Anybody else ever get that “Jesus Christ what if they all know” feeling around people who don’t know you’re trans. I live in a house and my house mates have no idea, they met me as male and I pass day to day but I keep getting this grating feeling at the back of my mind of what if they find out, what if they have found out. It’s a scary thought to me
Being pre T and pre op doesn’t help much either. Along with my voice and young looking face, I sometimes wonder how I even pass.
In other news I was at a Halloween party last night, all the guys came up to me and said “mate you live with all girls, that must be rough”. It’s weird how differently people talk to you when they see as male compared to female. Being seen as female a lot more girls used to approach me to start conversation usually in that friendly way where they talked about how hot so and so is, the getting to know you kind of way. Now it’s mostly men that start of conversation with me, usually with “you alright mate”. Makes me feel good to know that I pass around men my age this comment a guy last night gave me made me wtf though he said “you know what, you need to get an operation to get your balls chopped off so you can fit better in with the girls(he laughs) I personally couldn’t do it myself, wife is enough for me”. Didn’t know how to react to that.
Another note on socializing with girls when perceived as male. When I was sitting down watching people interact, I noticed that usually it’s the guys that initiated conversation with the girls and the girls that respond with conversation after that initiation. It’s like the girls expect the guy to talk to them, he acts, she reacts. A few girls stared and smiled at me last night, as if they were waiting for me to start talking to them first. In these settings all conversations seem to have flirty undertone. I barely talked to any girls last night because I didn’t approach any. This is where socialization and all that plays in. Trust me to go to a party and analyse gender behavior.
I constantly worry about this, even though I wouldn’t mind people knowing? (If that makes any sense.) I mean, I don’t mind confirming if someone asked, but if they didn’t know, I see no point in making sure they did, but if they didn’t know I was trans, then all the cooler and what not.
I get this way with my office mates a lot because they most likely know me as a gay guy, (and the manlier, albeit more childish, of the 3 gay men in our office, even) but I often get paranoid that they think of me as a butch lesbian or something.
Another interesting thing to observe is interaction between people who think of you a straight man and people who think of you as a gay man. It adds a whole other dimension of social interaction. It’s really fascinating.